Day 17 of 30. Essays ” The Life of Peggy. A thirty-three year old, Kind Of Single Lady.”
Maybe I am slightly insane. I am most definitely awkward. I imagine all aspects in life with No Pants on.
You are scared? Scared of what?
He is sitting there telling me how scared he is of failure. Of having moved to a new, still close, city to try and make his music work but how he is realizing that he doesn’t want to hit forty and unable to pay his bills. Always asking his mom for money and always trying to move away and not making it, moving back, within two weeks due to his fears. He trolls on and on about the fear of being thirty and starting over and going back to school and jobs and money and music and just making it in life.
I sit there and listen, give some ” you are on the right path” and ” good job on that” friendship support. All the while thinking ” What the ever loving fuck are you afraid of?”
Also, for the between HIM and I moment I was also thinking ” I lost absolutely every single thing I owned, including my ID which I need to get a job and a place to live. I didn’t even own a toothbrush and you never called to ask if I needed a sandwich, or friendship support of listening or asking me just how I am doing.” As in an “I was just there and I did it…with less. I didn’t and still do not have my ID ( it takes an estimated one and a half year to replace when you’ve lost all) I have a job, my own place to live ( though still no bed, or furniture at all and I sleep on a hardwood floor) I don’t have a mom, brother offering me a place to live or about five girlfriends whom you seem to be pretty good at living off of….speaking of which…where’s that $400 you owe me?” In my mind as I continued listening to his rants…his whining…I said these things. At a later date I finally said them pretty much out loud…to which I was told that I am a selfish and self-centered person.
Thus be it. But…drop your balls and live life a little less scared.