Myself, Then, Now and Soon.

Day 6 of 30. Essays ” The Life of Peggy. A thirty-three year old, Kind Of Single Lady.”
Maybe I am slightly insane. I am most definitely awkward. I imagine all aspects in life with No Pants on.

The kind of woman I was, am and want to become.

I was a young child who was overly serious at all times. I asked a lot of questions and sought information like a sponge to water. I had a super active imagination and was never, ever bored for I always imagined up a good game to play. I was innovative as a child and at the age of ten I began having sleep problems but had a strict bedtime, thus I began making stories in my head….which later ended up put to paper…and the writer was born. I made up games of 21 jump street or FBI or spy games as well as Little House on the prarie. I trained for the circus with my horses and dogs too and climbed more tree’s than I could count. Constantly life was a movie in my head…and eventually words on paper. I read the dictionary and every damned book in the entire George Memorial Library as well as my grandmothers mobile library too. I loved summer Sheakspeare plays held at our local theater. I protected my siblings from the storm of my parents….it wasn’t at us…it was between them but, still, we were caught in the middle. I would sing songs and hold them through the storm. We never knew what the damage of the outcome would be.

As a late teen and early adult (which I now realize isn’t even) I bumbled…a lot. If there was a mistake to make, I usually did. I got pregnant too early. I lost my child and now, at age 33, I don’t even want children. My lifestyle has developed but then…it was just in the molding. I loved the wrong…and the right guys. I learned from them. I do know love. I do know developing my own interests because of them. I have tasted many interests because of them and learned to learn to know my likes and dislikes and so forth. From introduction to Indian foods to films to music and more. Even health and taking care of myself mind body and soul. I moved ..New York…California…back to Texas and living in Galveston Island. I learned what wedding cakes I like through two marriages…and I learned the bitter taste of divorce. Two.

But somewhere in there I also learned my own self. Who I really am…not who I was just molding into. In the process…I had finally met a place where I was ready for the kiln, the heatfire. The ” This is the way it, is to stay forever” part of me.

And the molding on the wheel continues..not yet is every piece and part ready for the kiln but…the shape from the lump is forming…becoming….and the woman I am to be . That “ahhh, now I see it” moment in art that happens when for so long you watched the sculpture and thought “wtf is she going with this?” but now…you begin to see the definition in the lines and an idea of what the outcome will be.

I can sit here and say who and how I would like to be…but we know that life makes it’s own moldings. However, I do have a sort of guide for myself….I do not do things to hurt other people , though process of life at times someone is left hurt. I want to care about myself…body, mind and soul. I eat well but I also eat for enjoyment as well. I exercise but if my body says ” no…sleep in” I listen, though not past just the point of laziness and still holding some discipline in my life. I read, I relax, I work hard and I relax hard ( not the biggest in play) I enjoy the small things and I treat myself …wether a gift in an antique shop or just a savory moment of book and coffee. I meditate, walk among gardens and enjoy the sights. I clean my home…yes, this is a meditation for me at moments…not always and usually never when needed. I have chats with friends. I soak my mind full of new information…this is a fun thing for me. Always has been. And in this…I live in the here and now…as well as parts will help to build the future. But, though I still, and will always make plans. I have come from trying to know what the future is….simply….let the potter mold the clay.

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One thought on “Myself, Then, Now and Soon.

  1. “Maybe I am slightly insane. I am most definitely awkward. I imagine all aspects in life with No Pants on.” wow! this is me. i love this post, i love it very much.

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