Since school has started this week I realize…that I am not among those who have to wake up way before the sun comes up and wake up a sleepy teenager who stayed up way too late last night on social media and drag them off to school or put up with young elementary children who freak out when their socks “just won’t do it right.” I get to sleep in…to a blissful 9:am most days. Thank the heavens. No school supply shopping or shopping for clothes to fit a human who has somehow grown four inches in a summer.
No home work at the end of day with some small thing who’s attention span is the size of a gnat. All around living my own life and all that cooking cleaning and my own job thing…heavens no.
I get to come home after work and pack up my notebooks and touch pad and head to the coffeeshop where I set myself down and do my own work….broken up from time to time by an unexpected conversation with a random someone. Then I enjoy a meal in the courtyard of my favorite location with my ever attentive waitress who knows I tip well and then I head to my quiet home and I read until my eye’s can read no more…in the quiet.
Do I ever have those moments of missing out on having children? Sure…all the time…usually about once a month right around when my ovaries release an egg and suddenly all bearded men should be wary of the fact that in about one second I may be humping their leg as they stand in line for their morning coffee at my local shop.
I mean I went through the before thirty , and married, obligation this is what’s next trying to have kids moment. And cried everytime I saw red…yet tears of sadness and tears of relief mixed in always. I recognize now that I had tears of relief even when I thought I wanted children because now when I see red…it’s all full on relief. Five years after those five years of trying and I am all about having passed that moment in life. I now realize that I have made a life style altogether…one that, though would be adjusted if children entered…is best left un-adjusted. I am a writer. I work a day job and put all my extra moments into my passion and eventual full time career. I drink way too much coffee and sometimes I barely remember to feed myself much less some small creature dependent upon me for such things ( a dog always reminds you, not the same thing.)
I plan to eventually travel again …a lot…by RV around the states and then sailboat among the south islands and then by barge through out Europe. And write…and eat and drink and enjoy the sites and the loves and …where would a child really fit among my plans to sip espresso and write in a little nook of Paris? Really? For all that ” oh if I had children we would still do all that!”
It doesn’t happen. Unless you are Angelina Jolie . You dream and plan and have this idea. Like using only cloth diapers….but by your second kid it’s disposable all the way.
By age thirty I had gained a different stride in life. And really life wasn’t about getting married and having kids and doing as the Joneses do. It was…what my life was then. I had built a lifestyle…I wasn’t just floating through life. I wasn’t living my life to pass the time or to get to the next step then. I was at a place were I was living my life as it was meant to be . Single. Fashionable. Doing as I pleased when I pleased. Traveling, writing, spending my days in a coffeeshop or my nose to a book and drinking way too much coffee and spending my money on shoes or fashion or furniture and funs stuff for my home ( or books) and sleeping in or waking for an early run on the beach. Life was as my life was…and frankly kids didn’t really seem the need…and the craving faded until I wondered if I had ever really wanted them to begin with.
I love seeing my friends with kids but I don’t have that ping of pain for not having them…or ping of wondering if I should have them.
I like them…I just like them when I can pat them on the head and move on. Like a dog.
#nokids is my way now. And I like it…so stop asking me when I will have them and when I say I won’t stop saying ” oh…but you will when the time is right.” Ugh…I hate that one.