My last of this Lesson’s of Heartbreak I had spoken of a someone I know who had recently posed a question to her friends. Saying that though they say heartbreak was supposed to leave you with a lesson learned, she felt as if she had not learned any.
Furthering this topic I find that the lesson itself isn’t always from the heartbreak…but the lesson that the particular love brought into your life in full. I am a believer that not everybody is meant to be in your life forever and that we should truly treasure the moment that they are and not grasp onto the forever. This, of course…has come with the life and years of two divorces later. I love that first strawberry of the season…but by the end of the season I am pretty done with them for awhile. I need a break. So perhaps people are in our lives for a season. However I guess relationship’s get that bored with taste and you have to decide if you want strawberries next season, if so…there is a lot of work to put into the garden during the dormant months too. This, after a conversation with another dear friend of mine last week, also goes for friendships. We are not always meant to be friends forever. People grow and change and…grow apart. And that is ok! Enjoy the moment.
I can say that one of the biggest warmths of my heart are things that I learned from the person I was with in that time, or while with that person.
My very first heartbreak…oh dear lord. For one thing, we had a son together. Young and stupid , I know. Jeremy lived only twenty-eight days and this in itself has still been my biggest heartbreak. In the relationship itself, we had been friends for a long time and well..who better to come into womanhood with (brains of an eighteen year old here). However I can say that he was a genuinely amazing man and person and still is. Through this time…though I did not learn until a million years later. I learned that it is not all about me. But I also had a good mold to start from on what to look for in a man, what makes a good man and one of those things is the absolute rock solidness of this man to this day. So…in a lot of the lesson’s of heartbreak it’s not about the heartbreak itself but for us and it has been for me, from each of my past I have learned a little of what I want in my future…and sometimes what I don’t want too!
It’s like making a good seasoned meal…sometimes you keep the tried and true recipe. Sometimes you try a new spice and other times you learn to use less salt. Relationships…like cooking..are a lesson of what spices and seasons you WANT in the mix and what you do NOT want and even what you want more of or less of for the next time you try it.
God, my life really does revolve around food, doesn’t it? Oy.
In my next first real long relationship I had learned a lot on adventure, excitement, that life is not a regiment. How to have fun (yes, very much a lesson in my young self that to this day I am working on). We would work hard all week, relax hard in the evenings and on weekends it was all about playing hard and leaving everything else behind. Every weekend was leaving home…in two years I didn’t see a single weekend in my home in fact. We rode motorcycles up the 101, surfed on every beach in California. I learned how to surf. Surfed a hurricane (btw…not the most coordinated person here so that was interesting with overhead waves). Took road trip’s. Went to friends houses where we would spend winter days cooking amazing foods and playing chess games or summer days fishing on the lakes. Visited a ton of amazing lakes. Saw all of California, some of Mexico. I learned to drive a boat and pull water skiers. Snow-Skiing and once for the absolute test of it in a single day we surfed, water skied on a lake, snow skied on a mountain and hiked green mountain’s and rode motorcyle’s up the 101. Let’s see….oh….I started in real estate and flipped houses and in that he taught me how to do much of the work myself. I can paint in several ways, sand fourteen layers off of anything and put in new carpet and one of my favorite’s is that I can tile like a pro. I also learned through him more about other foods than from anything else. Indian I discovered is my favorite food, Filipino and a pig roasted in the ground (and how to do it) among a lot more. I had never thought about California as a place for me at all but it was helping him move there that I discovered it and ended up moving there for six years (he and I only dating for two of those). I also learned that when one has a lover be sure you get what you should out of them. Tender care. during and…AFTERwards….is a big thing I later learned not everybody does. The lessons and adventures with this one…I could go on about. An opening of the mind if I had to put it in short terms.
My next moments I learned a lot in dating itself (CA experience being WAY better than Galveston experience) I came into speaking of what I wanted and didn’t want in men and life in general. I rarely if ever really had a bad dating experience…I did have funny and amusing ones. I tried on-line dating and went on a series of 1-2 dates with several men. I learned that I DID not want the man who tells me his life story at dinner with all the skeletons in his families closet…and who really just needed a therapist. I learned that dating a director and then going to see a movie with him meant having to hear his commentary throughout the entire thing. I learned that I don’t want to date a guy in any way shape or form who’s truck tires are taller than myself. And who announces to you that his ass is itchy because he shaved it for the date (seriously, insert dropped on your head as a baby LOOK here). I DID go on a few more dates with one guy than what I should have because I wasn’t interested in him but he had the BEST friends and the best IN for the music scene of S.CA. and I learned a lot there. I learned that a dude will drink WAY too much on a date, order EVERYTHING on the menu and then leave you with the bill. So ok, one bad one. Plus he talked of nothing but his mommy issues and was boring as hell. I was too nice to just leave at one point…lesson learned from that; don’t be too nice.
I then also met my first husband. Yep…the old on-line dating.On-line dating came about to get outside of the circle I was dating in…through people I knew and work…work is a big no-no on the dating scene I came to find out. I also learned somewhere in that time not to drink apple martini’s on a first date if you don’t really drink at all and have never had an apple martini…and then…they are so easy to drink that I over drank (which was actually just two but on an empty stomach as well) lesson for him was he should be careful who he lets into his brand new beamer (still friends to this day and no, never dated again. lol)
So…I met my first husband. And This…this everybody, was the person who brought into my life to learn that romance exists in this world VERY strongly still. And to expect it. And not let yourself fall short on it later. You deserve romance and it is out there. Nobody has stood up to this one yet in that department. Letters, notes and cards EVERYDAY from the first date to the last. Gifts galore…even though his taste in jewelry was terrible. Lesson I have learned since…love the fact that they try even when they fail in some way at it. Flower’s after the first date sent to my job….this guy did it all. But past all that…he was a huge reader. Learner, searcher for more in life and this opened me up…after learning of adventures in the past…to this even more. Always learn new. That lesson I will carry with me forever. Always better yourself. You are not a finished product of yourself yet, keep working at it. Push yourself and when you feel ready to give up push harder. Physically and mentally. (You all should have met me then. I could kick some ass in many different ways and I am drawing on that experience now more than a decade later.) All of these things. I treasure those lessons. At the same time I will say I also was admired. Loved, adored and in the eye’s of one for a long time I was perfect…but in that a lesson came in being too perfect in someones eyes and that entire put on a pedestal thing…whew, thanks for that fall. But…later by years a lesson in that love…and then heartbreak was that sometimes we are not meant for each other forever, but for a time we are MOST meant for each other. Cherish it all. He and I…we were very young (early 20’s and married after a year) . I learned that when we think we know it all. We don’t. I learned that sometimes people arne’t the perfect for each other. Goals in life are a big thing to think about FAR into the future…but also…who was perfect for me then, isn’t perfect for me now. Not at all. And that is hard to predict how a person molds and changes over life. I also …later…learned patience in myself, controlling my own young emotions (some of that was simply age, being over dramatic). I learned sympathy for others and I learned its ok for a man to cry (big lesson here…had been my first time ever seeing a man cry and I was NOT nice about it).
Again…I could go on.
But then I did…to the perfect storybook romance. We had been teenage crushes, met in the little white church in the country, reunited many years and lessons learned later. We thought both had been mentally shaped and prepared for each other and sadly we were dead wrong. For five years I had the best friend in the world. I learned a lot from this one. My strength really came in, far before the end but it’s what got me through the end too. I learned to face floods and be determined and do what it takes in life and work so very hard in every aspect. I learned to leap off and take chances and I learned that over all of my relationships there was a big sameness of them in their families….and all of them affected our relationships and future of them. I learned of pattern’s. I am wary. I faced a lot of my own life, past, and family during this and I had the strength and comfort of another person through that. Amazing. Simply. I learned partnership…over only love. Love does NOT cut it alone. I learned that it takes two and when one of two doesn’t pull their end it just won’t work. I also learned great things, working with my hands on anything from cars to building and refinishing woods and furnitures. I learned though that my voice can be squashed and that often what a man loves most about me is later what he hates most. I learned not to change or bend for that though…though molding in a life together happens, changing who you are should not. I learned that people carry a darkness in them that is not yours to fix…and that you can’t. And that it’s not your fault. And I learned to walk out and not stay because “marriage and love and the thought of facing the future with whom you had planned it with was simply unimaginable” because eventually that path clears and you CAN imagine it. I also learned a new voice. And I learned forgiveness, peace and moving on, not holding grudges. But also that I don’t have to forget. I didn’t forgive him. I forgave myself of the guilt that I had done something wrong or not done something right enough. I didn’t forgive him but I learned that I don’t have to hate him. Hate only eat’s at yourself…does nothing to the other person.
Later it took some loving friends for me to again learn to let go of the cold ice that had formed. Those relationships and talks and lessons I hold dear.
Ahh…and the next lesson. I will keep this one simple. It is still too close to me in life. I learned it shouldn’t be all about them. If they don’t make space in the spotlight of life for you…ditch them. If they don’t give as much as you put in. If you are left not filled yet have filled their cup…walk away. And be ok that you can’t fix. If it shows itself to be false again and again…stop allowing it. Allowance. God…the lessons. The moments we look back and think “Really,Peg? Really?” I have learned to recognize when someone is with you for YOU or to fill their own loneliness . To recognize that when someone says they miss you….to question if it’s you or their idea of you or that they rather be with you than alone. My? I am not afraid of my alone. Don’t ever be afraid of your alone. I learned that people who aren’t happy with themselves can never be happy with you.
I have learned more from the person and the relationship than the heartbreak’s themselves. I have learned that I deserve to have my voice. My breath. My space. That I deserve to be appreciated. Loved, cherished and yet given room to trip and make mistakes. But to also have that someone there to help you up. Be a rock, steady and supportive. But to also tell you when you fucked up….with all love behind the words. I have learned to keep growing, not let go of who I am, my own wants and dreams and not conform (oh he lives here so I will always have to or oh I have to work my job around his or oh this is something he doesn’t approve of) I have learned to say Fuck That Shit.
Just one more time; Fuck That Shit.
I have learned that I am ok on my own and also not to feel bad that I naturally draw in relationships either. (Libra. I went through the struggle of trying to stay single and damn it when it didn’t happen.)
I have learned more to let the tears and heartbreak go and to again see the love and good you once had for someone…no grudges that eat away at your very soul and ruin you for the next. Let one teach you for the next, not ruin you. That jilted hate love/life and men/women attitude….who’s it gotten anywhere but absolute and utter loneliness?
I have learned that a relationship carries two voices. A conversation is two ways. If only one voice speaks…or only one voice is heard….move on along the road.
Will I ever have learned enough lesson’s to get it right? Probably not.
But I will always continue my growth and I bloom more each day. Each and every single day life brings some new learning and sometimes that grain of sand doesn’t become a pearl for a very long time but it doesn’t make it any less valuable.