Ahh, that lovely cusp of society that feels that if you are over 23 and unmarried, much less an independent think for yourself woman….WITH a career! Gasp! Lord, 2017 and e’rything.
Those video’s and well wishing your friends give you to not leave you feeling left out on Mother’s Day.
I’ve been a mother, once, for 28 days. I’d be a mother to a teenager today if those 28 days had continued. I went through a time, later, when I was married and tried desperately to get pregnant. Each month I felt like a failure seeing that splash of red. I am now drawn to paintings with splashes of red. I think it’s a call of my womanhood. I went through the feelings of a bad wife, a failure as a woman. Not full. Useless. Broken. I hadn’t even wanted children of my own womb, but he had, and now that I couldn’t, it was all that I thought about.
I began the adopting process which I had always wanted. The two were not the same, one no lesser or great than the other. And then divorce happened. And thirty happened. I exclaimed I am woman! I can do it by myself! And then, my own mother said the best she’s ever said to me “Peg, I don’t regret any of you. But had I made it to thirty without, I would have kept on going. You are not making a life for yourself, or struggling to figure yourself out. You have a very set life style, you HAVE an actual lifestyle, wether you realize it or not. And it doesn’t really fit a child. Think about if you really want one, or if you are trying to prove to society that you can have one.” Or something like that.
And then I realized, over the course of following years, that she was right. I could admit it. And not only that…I couldn’t actually imagine my life with a child. Well…as a woman we all have those fleeting moments when we could, I won’t lie. But over all and mostly….I didn’t find my friends babies any more than cute…for them. And good for them! I finally felt…without feeling jealous or ashamed. Or both. And now, I feel content, and settled, and happy. If the Gods sent a child into my life, my life would adjust and it would be meant. But motherhood is no longer, nor ever will BE my planned or even wish for journey.
However….so many women today still have that society pressure, as well as their own natural instinct and urge. Their own wants.
But then we become over 23 and educated, and successful, and independent, and somehow happy with our Here & Now, until we find our meant to be. And we have careers which we love…but society now sees those women, with a dog or a cat….as someone filling a void, as someone who perhaps Can’t. Or who just hasn’t found the right partner or or or…..
And so their pet must be like a baby, for the baby they don’t have or can’t have, or haven’t been given. Society forgets the Yet. Even when these women are so young yet…young enough to say “Don’t have a baby…yet.” But society doesn’t want to give you a yet, they expect you to be miserable now, unfulfilled, trying to curb a craving with other than. Wanting more…now. Because….how can you be a woman, with an education, living on your own, independent, with a career, doing what you love to do and have a dog or a cat but perhaps no husband…even if maybe an occasional date, occasional lover, occasional boyfriend? Somehow….you must not be quite complete…even if for you, you are…so VERY complete…for the Now. But just not quite to your Yet. Yet. Because though you are not 23, you are not dead and done.
My dog goes on a leash, my child would not so much (even if I make the jokes). My own cat is not enough to be my ‘baby’ to fill some void…though I love her greatly and might even squeal when I come home “My Baaaaabbbbbbbyyyyyyy!” I don’t actually mean it exactly so.
Though the video’s are perhaps adorable and make me smile….and when Joe said happy birthday to my kitten mom, I knew the way he meant it (very much a joke about how our cat owns us more than anything) and I know him. He knows she is not a filling to a void at all. He knows me. But he knows a pet is not because I can’t…or to fill the space until a yet for me either. If anybody else said it to me, I would know they don’t mean it the same way he did. There is a difference. Also, hopefully, my child would not poop in my neighbors yard. Though that is always a possibility.