So this is what 36 feels like?

So this is what 36 feels like?

I thought I’d look and feel and just…be old. I don’t feel old, don’t seem old….other than a little soreness here and there. Hopefully I don’t look as old to little kids as I remember 36 looking (or more seeming) to me when I was their age.

I remember the game with my same aged cousin “We are only 10 years away from 20 now!” And now I am closer to 50 than I am to 20.

Where did the time go?

Time is our most precious jewel in the world. Our most valuable. Money can’t buy it. It is what we take for granted the most. The thing we value the least. We can’t earn it, we can’t work for it. We can’t buy it. And we can’t be granted our wish for more of it.

I remember age 16 just emerging into the actual world. I remember age 26 life had already in a decade been lived ten times over it seemed. I remember the bit earlier aged 25 “WTF am I doing with my life? Am I making the right decisions? What do I REALLY want to do? It’s getting too late to make changes, decisions, to not know!” (I wasn’t a not-know, I was just an ever changing kind.) Funny thing is…starting over, changing my mind, my entire life and not always getting it down right or “pat” has happened a few times over since. Now someone tells me “I’m too old to start over, I wasted time, It’s too late” and I’m like. “pfft, kiddo, you’ve no idea.” There is never a too late and you are never unable. Life is a bit different for everyone and thank the gods for it. There is no wasted time in an awesomely lived life, just be prepared for the changes in the course. What else do you have? The entire road ahead of you is all. And that’s a lot to have the power of. Control…not so much. So says the person who LOVES to control everything (well, love/hate).

I’ve been through a lot that knocks a person down, even “holds them back” of which I don’t believe in. I once had an FBI profiler and criminologist ask me “How do you go on after that?” And my answer was “What choice do you have? What else do you do? I have my entire life ahead of me.”

It’s really amazing to think just how much power one has of themselves….can life come at you pretty hard? Can others really try and change you, shape you, tear you down, build you up? Yep…and influence….they all should be a part of that, good and bad. Seek out the good, weed out the bad. But deal with it as it comes, it can not be avoided altogether. Life is life. But where that clay molds is up to you…fold in that life and spin the wheel but it’s all in your hands, how it shapes, turns out, eventually sets in.

According to plan? Pfft….where’s the nearest window? Not one? Those plans will make one for you through which to leap. So says the person who is a planner to the bone. I am also and thankfully always have been the person who can toss their hands into the air and say “Whatever, that was a great ride. It is what it is. I couldn’t control that. Now, where are we going next?”

Is life a fairytale?  Do I want a fairytale? pfft, no….fairytales always have an ending. But funny enough, to get to the happy they went through the bad. But they always get their happy, so remember that.

I remember about a year ago when my hair really became a bit duller, and after years of having it’s own shades which change drastically over time, it seemed unable to find itself now. Funny enough it was at a time I had felt I’d “found” myself more than ever before. (I’ve never truly been a lost type, though it might seem so from the outside on occasion, but there are still moments of far more “clarity”.)

I remember having a bathroom with great natural lighting….btw fuck the bathroom with great natural lighting….every fine line seemed to etch across my face as I watched them in the mirror. Suddenly. I thought “When did this happen?” And more so I thought “How do I stop it?” And even more “How do I reverse it?”

Well, I will say that going from care free youthfulness and as one who is not into chemicals and barely ever did a thing to my face and never knew a pimple until I even hit aged 30 that I have learned a trick or two…however I still stay chemical free and natural.

I am a little less carefree and truly a little selfceare regimen has become a welcome routine. Sometimes a time in my day when I “Slow down” a moment. I’ve made it all a nice thing..wine, candles, music. the whole nine.

My face is a little more than splash & go now but now I take care of her, examine, and watch her changes like reading a story. It always seems a ‘someone else’s story’ and is a shock when I realize it is my own.  Perhaps I am simply less careless than I am carefree. That can be said of a lot of aspects of my life. As much as I “thought” I had not been careless with any of it I can look back now and think…she was so careless, so naive…

I did try makeup for a minute again after that. I’ve never been one for it. Even modeling couldn’t change that. Being very sensitive with my skin and always anti-chemicals and once reading an article about what those powders inhaled did to your lungs  pretty much killed it for me. Plus I could spend that money on books (Also pretty much my excuse for never doing drugs or smoking or drinking much besides how I knew all that made you look, and harmed your body). I was never one who didn’t have better things to do…though far from being one who meant to look drab because she didn’t care. I did groom and dress with thought. Hopefully I never looked drab. Vanity? We all have that, don’t kid yourself. And I have zero problem going under the knife should I get a flabby chin. But I thought I was “old enough to grow up a bit and start looking it” and began spending a little time each day applying makeup. I love it on other women (when done well) and I simply adore the no hair out of place women I see occasionally. I admire the older woman especially who’s care and dedication really shows in such an elegant way. Now, I am not one for hair in a top bun and sweats. I don’t even own sweats. I have always thought wearing yoga pants when not yoga-ing was nonsense…and sneakers when not headed to or from the gym or an activity  that calls for it? Ugh. I do judge and lord I do like a good pair of shoes even as my older feet don’t take the heels so well these days (FYI, Melania wears them all the time because once they are taken off a woman just…stops. This I know. This I do actually truly understand, and our legs and ass always do look much better in a heel. Beauty is pain and pain is beauty. But I’ve fallen in love with the memory foam inserted sperry, I won’t lie. And frankly I walk too much in my travels or, even when I was always walking around down town Galveston Island, for heels. (And the island will kill you in wearing heels as there isn’t a day that goes buy the best in them doesn’t get a heel stuck in a crack or wedged into the road.) And though makeup is called for on occasion (a power suit can’t be worn without it and a dress and jewelry for any occasion but a casual Sunday need a finished package), to be worn the daily just isn’t it for me. My hair is less drab after finding some natural ways to self care to meet the needs of my body now. Honestly, more fresh air, sunlight, sweat a little (I’d not had any or much sunlight or exercise for a time when it became drab) and bone broth has worked wonders.

I am now a year older than my mother was when she had her LAST child (of nine). I have no child and my life is incredibly different than my mothers, though there has been some parallel from time to time.  My little sisters, once babies I very much took care of, have babies.

And I can’t say it enough; Time is our most precious jewel in the world. Our most valuable. Money can’t buy it. It is what we take for granted the most. The thing we value the least. We can’t earn it, we can’t work for it. We can’t buy it. And we can’t be granted our wish for more of it.

I realize how naive I was and I look at other young emerging women and think “They have so much they are about to learn” but at the same time I feel and KNOW I am naive at times still. The difference between your young 20’s and now…and later…in your 20’s you will never recognize naivety in the smallest moment. She’s a perfect stranger to you. A face in a crowd you walk right past at best. I think in your 30’s she’s like a sister who you know but who is distant to you in space and emotion…but you know her more than a recognized neighbor by far, know intimate details and yet not everyday ones. Later  when I am older perhaps she will be the best friend who you laugh over a cup of coffee with…or cry.

Would I change any of it? Any of these past 36 years? Not at all. Not a chance. I could do without a few parts but it’s a few parts of added clay and a little water added to keep the wheel spinning that made me.

I don’t regret lost loves because I would then have to regret not having that love. I don’t regret the mistakes. I don’t regret the stumbles and the start overs. I embrace the chances I’ve had. I cherish every moment and many amazing memories. I recognize my opportunities. I’ve learned that “starting over” isn’t the end of the world. I’ve learned that people who were a perfect fit once aren’t now…it’s not always them, it’s usually me. I’ve learned it’s the small things, the experiences and not the “things”. I’ve learned one can enjoy cake without it being for a wedding or a birthday. And I’ve learned that I’ve yet to learn it all.

I’m at a time when everything from my life story is in a category of Retro and even Vintage now. But I am also at a place in my life when those things mean something good when I find it. And so perhaps….

And again and again I’ll remind myself; Time is our most precious jewel in the world. Our most valuable. Money can’t buy it. It is what we take for granted the most. The thing we value the least. We can’t earn it, we can’t work for it. We can’t buy it. And we can’t be granted our wish for more of it.

So this is what 36 feels like…

#HappyBirthdayToMe #OctoberSeven #Libra

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