Still.

Yesterday I woke up early. Well. I woke up late but early. Later than I needed. Earlier than my usual.

I was late for a yoga class. But I headed down town anyway and zoned out awhile with coffee. Settling back in after our hard and hot trip. After “vacation” after work on the new boat and after some super long road trips with pets.

I just wasn’t with it for awhile

I went to another coffeeshop… A brighter one. Time to lift my mood. I wasn’t in a bad mood. But the coming down of vacation and new boat high and constant go go go and then Joe had just left. I may or may not even see him for 70 days. That’s hard. We do 30 easy. 70 after just having done 54 is hard. And that 70 could even crawl up to a closer to 90. Even harder.
So there was some mood. I’m just not even sure exactly what it was. I kinda felt zombie like. I wasn’t totally feeling anything. But I was feeling everything. I was also sunburned and physically exhausted to boot. The over all of my mood at the time.

I sat in a bright place with energized people and wrote some descriptions. A writing exercise I’ve begun.

I contemplated going home and back to bed.

I instead went and managed to slip into a later yoga class. I’m glad I did.

But I could not keep up. Part way through I just needed to stop. I sat with my legs folded underneath and meditated. Breathed. Calmed. Brought myself back to present. Caught myself up to now. Instructor gave me my time, whispered if I was OK. I nearly cried. But at the same time I was. Very. OK. Just then. I did end with the class as well. I can’t pass up a much needed warrior pose. I stood back up. I grounded my feet. I called upon the energy and strength. And I breathed.

I wasn’t upset that I couldn’t keep up with a very easy class. That my muscles shook. That my body gave out. That my right shoulder had this weird curl. That I had zero balance. That I just knew I needed to stop for the time that I did.
Because I listened to my body. In fact I’d been a little in tune to it all day. The first of several weeks. And trying to figure out how I really felt… Beyond the just tired from a lot of goings on and travels and physical work and hot sun and Melting heat and worries over hurricanes and other things. I’d been slowly picking through how I felt. And when my body said rest, I rested. In fact I think I stilled for the first time in… A very long time. I didn’t need or want to go back to bed, where I would not pay attention to my needs but drift elsewhere. Here, on my needs. Palms up. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. I stilled. And that’s what I needed. Not sleep. Not jumping back into work. Not running. It working. Not scrubbing. Not worrying. Just being still for one moment… But in that Stillness, being aware. And receiving. And just… Breathing. When was the last time I’d taken a real breath?

I came home. I steadied my house back to after travel norm. I prepared my work and organized for tomorrow. I ate a healthy meal I made after stopping at the grocery on the way. I walked the dog. And I rested and read a moment. Then a long comforting shower and bed early. Too tired to read. And then I slept. And then that was what I needed, too, as a part. As a whole. But not as an escape.

Some days we just need to still. Listen to our needs. And give ourselves just that. Not even embarrassed of not keeping up in a very easy class. But also giving time to breath and not just bury ourselves away in sleep. So many things can make us feel “tired” in a way that sleep by itself isn’t the cure for. Though bed early, sometimes a nap as needed, and rest peacefully is a part of self care, too. But not the whole. That moment of being still in the middle of yoga class gave me exactly what I needed yesterday.

An article to share. Read this if you need to still or find work life balance. Or reset your mind.

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